I've been way too cranky these past few days. On Tuesday, I didn't go to work so that I could go home and sleep it off. I literally stomped home pouting. I don't even know why. Today I went for the case workshop and knowing who your competitors are just makes it all the more ...challenging and aggravating and intimidating. On one hand I am confident in my abilities, in my experience, and in who I am; that I'm doing for this for the right reasons, that I am truly truly passionate about this, not just one side of this but both sides (then again who am I to judge others' motivations?) And yet on the other hand I am absolutely terrified that I will screw it up for myself and I will hate myself forever for wasting this chance (EVEN THOUGH I know on the inside that I have many more chances to come and that I have more than one chance)
I feel like I am making this more important than it really ought to be. (I mean, it is important to me, but not so important that the possibility of failure should turn me into such a sniveling mess. I mean, it's not even a job/ internship!!!!)
So in the hopes of reasserting normal, larger vision, I turned to Safeway
(I bought Haagen Dazs, buffalo wings, vitamin water, Kettle Honey Dijon: that did not make me feel better. Maybe that's because I haven't gone at the Haagen Dazs yet)
and then I turned to Tumblr.
(all images from fuckyeahhappy)
This is from one of my favourite poems, Starlings in Winter (thanks YF for correcting the mistake!) by Mary Oliver. I want to be afraid of nothing and believe that I have it inside me to do anything that I put my mind to. I love the phrase frolicksome. I want to be frolicksome and improbable beautiful.
I don't really think I'm a champion though ):
I fall too much and get super discouraged. I remember crying about 104 in Tokyo Fish Market last semester. I was like bawling in the sashimi aisle and the fishmonger guy was like wtfweirdgirl.
I like this a lot. I WILL be organized this semester. I WILL get my shit together. I WILL be awesome at life.
This really resonated with me because I feel like this IS how I go at life: with an all-out enthusiasm and passion and love that is so overwhelming because I set myself up for such a large fall. I remember applying for the Bonner Program last spring, and having like ZERO non-profit experience, but looking at the CREATE position and thinking, I WANT THAT. I want that so badly because I believe in its purpose and its mission and its importance so much. I want to be a part of that amazing artistic movement. And I got it. But I remember thinking about MFA: I want that, I want to be a part of that, I want to serve my nation like that. And I didn't. So maybe my goal this year is to be more temperate in my desires. And understand that I cannot possibly do everything that I want to.
Huh. I don't think I can believe that leh. I think I really am from the old-school belief that one can accomplish anything with dogged hard work. And I sekretly think I'm the most talented thing in the world and the best thing since sliced bread (ha. uhm, no.)- ah I don't know. I need to get over myself and eat some chocolate/ read some Shakespeare.
Dear friends, thank you for bearing with me these past couple of days.
True dat. Great beauty is found in the tub of a Strawberry Haagen Dazs.