I am all asunder on the inside, squirmy and roiling and in turmoil. I skipped all my classes this morning, and tried to get back to sleep (because in sleep there is an unconsciousness and a leaving, a going away and a going back that is only temporary- and then you can pick up and move on), but my legs were tangled in my sheets, and the apartment smelt empty and alone, and outside the sky was dark and annoyed.
Photograph from our trip to Muir Woods last Saturday.
I remember that I woke up at 5am last Friday and couldn't get back to sleep. I was nervous and jittery (even without coffee), and it felt like the world was rushing at me but in an assymptotic way, and I felt like I would get left behind if I wasn't awake now, now, now, now. I always have an itemized list of things to-do running through my head, and it was only really silenced when we stepped into the cool, musky air of Muir Woods and went on our lost boys adventure. There is such a need for external validation, or experiences that come from outside oneself. I think I'm going to change the way I've been blogging, and focus instead on the internal experiences of living in the Bay Area. I am trying to throw myself, net-like, out too much, and there has been a yearning to reach others that has overrided a yearning to reach myself.