May 3, 2011

2 papers. 1 day.

Hello, world. I have very many papers to finish up with by tomorrow, and tons of work to do, but I decided to check in with my blog. These past 2 weeks, I've been thinking about graduating (which, yes, I know, I'm not any time soon, but I can't believe sophomore year passed by so fast! I feel like I've grown up so much more, but have become so much harder and meaner... more demanding of other people while I tend to cut myself a little more slack. It's a rather bad combination.)

I think it's because many many of my friends are seniors and are going to leave Berkeley in 2 weeks. And that makes me terrified, because I have come to have so much love and respect for them that it's so surreal that they won't be here anymore, and that soon it'll be our turn to walk at the Greek theater, and soon we will no longer be Cal bears but Cal alum. At the end of my time at Cal, I want to say that yes, I have had the full Cal experience; that I have made amazing friends that I will keep forever, that I have had the time of my life, that I have been stretched academically intellectually physically thoughtfully, and that at the end of my time here I will be able to go out into the world bravely. Right now this seems so far away, and these dreams and ideals seem incredibly distant, and sometimes I worry that I am not doing enough (even though everyone tells me to chill, but I always feel like I should be doing MORE with my time rather than sitting on my ass doing homework... haha)

I had the amazing privilege of attending the THRIVE concert tonight, and it just really made me miss performing. The music that we made on stage was never half as good as the music we made in practice, but I remember actually consciously being on stage in Olomouc and thinking to myself, this is it, this is it; never again will I stand on stage with these lovely people and sing with them (and then I nearly cried in the middle of Ave Maria) I haven't been pushing myself enough to be artistically engaged, and it is only recently that I have realized how much not singing has diminished my heart- it's like after singing so long and putting so much of yourself into something you KNOW you will never be good enough to go professional in you finally get a chance to take a break, but after not singing for 3 years, I want to go back. I sang for what, 7 years? 7 full years of intense choral practice and building bonds with amazing people, and I can't believe that I just...gave it up like that when I came to college. I miss singing. I miss my voice (not that I USE it any less, but you know); the voice that I used to have 3 years ago. It is now terrible, but I shouldn't let that stop me from still trying, I think.

Oh, now to Shakespeare.
(But isn't that photo lovely, btw? I took that with my bb while walking down from Haas as the sun was setting, and the Campanile looked absolutely gorgeous.)

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