I think I really grew up a lot this week. I debated for a long time about whether or not to blog about this, but I want this to be a fairly accurate representation of my life at Cal, and I can't only blog about the good parts of recruitment, I need to remind myself of the lessons that I'm learning about myself as well. And also because I've instituted a ban about this subject among all the friends who have been really supportive about me stressing out this week and I just want to make sure that you guys know I'm really fine.
This week I got an internship offer from one of my dream firms- I really enjoyed everyone that I talked to, found the work incredibly interesting, found the interview VERY challenging; I was super surprised when they offered me the internship and so, so excited. But then silly me put my foot in my foot and told them that I was in the US on a student visa, and then they rescinded my offer.
Everyone told me that I was really silly because I had offered that information without them prompting me, that I had to look out for myself, that this was something that I really wanted and that I should have gone after it without thinking that I was cheating the firm (because I knew they couldn't offer me a full-time offer without paying for a work visa), that I had already been offered the internship. And after I got the phone call I cried for a long time because I had been so astoundingly impulsive (and really, quite stupid) about sharing this information.
Lesson #1 learnt: Think a billion times before telling anybody anything. Then think for another million times before you actually do.
But then the more I thought about it, the more I realised how much I valued honesty in a person. How much I hate it when people lie to me or are shady about things. How, even though I really valued this opportunity and it would have been so easy to just keep my mouth shut about it, I couldn't really live with myself if I had just kept silent. It is really easy during recruiting I think to get swept up in the entire process and forget yourself- forget to evaluate why you're recruiting, how you're recruiting, so easy to slip into this persona of competency and carefully-modulated weaknesses. And then in that process lose yourself. I admit that I did beat myself up a lot for doing what I did, but at the same time I know that if I hadn't, if I had gone into the internship knowing that I was deliberately withholding important information from the firm, I would have really disliked the person I had become.
Lesson #2 learnt: Never be ashamed of being honest.
So now I'm plunging back into the recruiting cycle, a little burnt out and more than a little stressed about finding a job this summer. But when I went to speak with my English professor (of this class I'm taking that's studying the Bible in a very literary/ secular context) on Friday to discuss my paper, he said a lot of things (completely coincidental- he doesn't know anything at all about my recruiting experience) that reminded me of God's goodness and God's promise. We were talking about Genesis 15, and how Abram met God's covenant with skepticism, questioning, and lack of faith- but in the end he just let it go, and the promise came to pass. And how even though it may seem like God has forgotten His people or is playing a joke on you, He has a plan up His sleeve and all we have to do is trust that He knows what He's doing.
Lesson #3 learn[ing]: Let go and let God.
So here I am still waiting patiently and trusting that good things will happen to those who work hard. And I really believe that I'll have a great time this summer, no matter what I do.